Workplace Challenges

Making Love Work at Work

I Went for a Co-Worker. Now What?

How do you ensure your personal and professional lives don’t spend too much time together?

By Hélèna Katz

[ 2009-02-06 ]

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According to a 2001 survey conducted by Thompson Lightstone & Company Ltd., 17% of people surveyed said they had met their current “significant other” at work. Meanwhile, the Spherion® Workplace Snapshot survey found that 25% of workplace romances lead to marriage. But romancing your colleague requires strong communication to keep your relationship and careers on track.

Protecting your relationship

Randall Craig, author of bestselling career planning book Personal Balance Sheet, says couples need to create boundaries and guidelines for themselves as to how they will behave with each other at work. This will help them keep their personal and professional lives separate. “You can’t have your head in the sand. You have to think these things through and decide what your strategy is going to be.” Being proactive and planning responses will prepare you to better handle situations as they arise, he points out.

Julie Bulmash, professor and coordinator of the human resources program at Toronto’s George Brown College, says couples should discuss examples of situations that could occur and how they will handle them. These could include: working together, answering questions if someone asks if they’re seeing each other; and dealing with workplace conflicts. “They need to set ground rules early,” she says.

Protecting your professional image

There’s a delicate balance between being discreet and being secretive. Toronto-based life and business coach Joshua Zuchter says discretion about the relationship is in order, but hiding the relationship is risky. “People have an innate sense of when something is being held back,” he says. “The trouble is that if people don’t know what is being held back, they start thinking it’s about them.” That can fuel resentment among colleagues. As he notes, “Typically, secrets are what kill relationships – both romantic and social ones.”

There is no need to go into the dirty details of each of your dates. Just tell colleagues that you and another employee are dating once your relationship becomes serious. And leave it at that. “It’s only by being discreet and professional that you can reduce the severity of gossip,” Craig says.

If everyone knows you and your significant other are an item, it won’t seem strange if you pull up to the building in the same car, Zuchter says. “I wouldn’t do it if people don’t know.”

Acknowledging your relationship is important, but so is remaining professional with each other in the office and avoiding public displays of affection including hugging and kissing. “If you will do any kissing or hugging, it should be done outside the building or office – but not in the bathroom,” Zuchter says. If your partner is leaving for a business trip directly from the office, “At the elevator is a good spot to have a quick hug.”

It’s also a good idea to avoid sending your lover racy e-mails at work, advises employment lawyer Kenneth Krupat, because some employers track their staff’s computer usage. Before hitting the “send” button, they should ask themselves some questions. “Is this an e-mail I would want my boss or company to read? Same goes for office Blackberries,” Krupat says.

Protecting your sanity

When your personal and professional lives are closely linked, as they are when dating a co-worker, it can be particularly challenging to get away from your workplace issues on evenings and weekends. And it can also be tough to get away from your partner to establish some personal space.

Zuchter suggests that couples not spend every lunch together. They should each continue to hang out with their friends and colleagues or go for a walk alone. It’s also helpful to maintain some of their previous routine, such as working out regularly. Craig agrees that time apart is a good idea. “Keep the same routine at work. Sometimes if you have spent a few days apart, you will have more interesting things to say to each other.”

Maybe if you play your cards right, you’ll be part of the 25% whose workplace romance walks to the altar.