Workplace Challenges

When Relationships Turn Sour

The Breakup: Making It Work

The workplace romance has gone to Splitsville, but you still have to face your ex at work every day. Now what?

By Hélèna Katz

[ 2009-02-06 ]

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Breaking up is hard to do – especially if it’s with a colleague. The key to pulling it off without ruining your career is to keep negative comments at bay, whether they’re your thoughts, your ex’s or those of your co-workers.

Plan in advance

When it looks like your relationship is tanking, as much as possible talk to your partner about how you will handle the breakup says Bill Johnston, advisor with the Canadian Management Centre. “Deal with it with respect, honesty, and confidentiality.” Your conversation should include how the breakup will affect your work and what you will tell friends and colleagues. Mentioning the breakup to your colleagues will quell office gossip, says life and business coach Joshua Zuchter.

Keep it private

When you relate the news to colleagues, make a point of telling them the topic is not open for discussion, Zuchter advises. For example, “If they say something bad about your ex, remind people the situation is private,” he says.

Similarly, ask co-workers to protect your feelings by sparing you the details of your ex’s new pursuits. Whether he’s out with the boys every night or taking a new girl out for lunch, you don’t need to know.

Don’t dish

Keeping a lid on the breakup isn’t easy, admits Vancouver sexologist Dr. Pega Ren. “Breakups do not bring out the best in most of us.” But if you’ve politely asked colleagues to keep their comments about your former relationship to themselves, you’ve obviously got to do the same.

This means no badmouthing your ex, says organizational development consultant Caroline Samné. In doing so, she explains, you are subtly asking your co-workers for support. That can have negative repercussions for you. “People will start to avoid you because they don’t want to be cornered at the watercooler to hear about his shortcomings,” she says.

Taking the high road is best for everyone, Samné concludes. “The more dignity with which you handle the breakup, the easier it will be on your colleagues.”

Confront gossip

When it comes to rumours, deal with each as it occurs and confront the person responsible for spreading it, says Zuchter. “Nip it in the bud. You want to catch things when they start, not when they are built up.”

If your ex is spreading the gossip, try talking to them, Samné counsels. Emphasize that both of you have careers and reputations at stake. “The person spreading rumours will be just as ill-perceived as the person at the butt of the rumours,” she says. “That needs to be highlighted.”

Get help

Finally, if you’re having trouble coping with the emotional fallout from your breakup, consider seeing a counsellor. Some companies pay for counselling through their Employee Assistance Program. Dealing with your emotions could benefit you both personally and professionally, says Randall Craig, author of bestselling career planning book Personal Balance Sheet. “There’s going to be hurt and you don’t want it to capsize your career.”

Ultimately, you will need to decide whether the situation is tolerable or if it’s time to transfer to a different department or company.

Should I stay or should I go?

If breaking up with a co-worker has you thinking about looking for work elsewhere, here are 5 things you should ask yourself first:

1. Can you find a way to keep working for the same company? “Rather than giving up the company, maybe give up projects you know your ex will be involved in,” suggests organizational development consultant Caroline Samné. That may mean enlisting the help of your boss to place you and your ex on different projects for a little while.

2. Will you be able to find a similar job elsewhere? If you’ve already got your dream job, Samné advises being cautious before calling it quits. Finding another great position is possible, but it’s not always easy.

3. Is your discomfort temporary? “The initial storm is pretty severe,” says Bill Johnston, advisor with the Canadian Management Centre. But when the dust settles things may go back to normal.

4. What are the financial, emotional and career implications of quitting? Will you be able to find another job at the same salary? Will you regret quitting your job? Will you get the same job satisfaction elsewhere?

5. Is this an opportunity to move your career in new directions? Look for the silver lining in the situation, says Randall Craig. Determine what career-enhancing interests or opportunities could send you in a new and fulfilling direction.